Wow. You guys are great. Just fantastic.
Believe it or not, I'm a bit of a coward. I can stand up to an under-qualified teacher, I give people in so called 'power' nasty looks, and I generally think I'm better than the average population. However, when it comes to feelings and emotions and stuff, I'm a real coward.
After my 45 minute trip to the kitchen for a glass of water, I finally returned to bed. After a couple of hours of not sleeping I got up to start getting ready for work. I started thinking again in the shower. What if he said all the things he said to me in the past and never meant any of it. I thought long and hard about it. I would still give him his Christmas presents. One was custom made and couldn't be returned anyhow. I wouldn't accept his gifts. It wouldn't be fair. I'd probably be a wreck when I was in Texas, but better to be home with Daddy Kiki wallowing in my sorrow than home by myself with a couple bottles of wine and a case of beer.
When I finally left the shower I told him that I was torn and I didn't know what to do. Lately Baloo's been working on this exercise with me called, 'talk about your feelings instead of act passive aggressive.' At first I thought it was some more of his hippie talk. But I decided to at least try it out. I let him know that if he doesn't get his act together, I'm gone. I didn't exactly say it like that, but it's pretty much what I meant. I was willing to help. I was willing to help him work out a plan. I was willing to research PA schools for him (oh, cause now he doesn't want to be a tree farmer or whatever and wants to go back to school to become a Physician's Assistant). Anything he wanted me to do, I would do it. And then he said something that shut me up for a while. I asked him if he was willing to work on a plan. He said he was. Well, why, I asked. Because I don't' want to lose you. Now if I had feelings and emotions, it would have floored me. And it did for a second. Until I started second guessing. He could have just wanted me to shut the fuck up. But no, I think he was serious. I think he's as tired as I am of going from one relationship to another and he wants to stick around for a little while. Always the cynic, I told him that I won't be fully satisfied until I see some results. And I will be looking for results. He agreed to work on a plan without my help for a little while. And I 'm going to be supportive by giving him his space.
It's funny. I put so much work into my career. I'm always willing to meet with the right people and hustle to get further. It's not easy by any means, and when I get pushed down, I take that much more effort to get back up and try again. But with a real, stable, non-crazy relationship, I want to bail the second things get a little difficult. And that's what makes me a coward.
Conclusion: Relationships are hard. But I'm willing to work at it.
After my 45 minute trip to the kitchen for a glass of water, I finally returned to bed. After a couple of hours of not sleeping I got up to start getting ready for work. I started thinking again in the shower. What if he said all the things he said to me in the past and never meant any of it. I thought long and hard about it. I would still give him his Christmas presents. One was custom made and couldn't be returned anyhow. I wouldn't accept his gifts. It wouldn't be fair. I'd probably be a wreck when I was in Texas, but better to be home with Daddy Kiki wallowing in my sorrow than home by myself with a couple bottles of wine and a case of beer.
When I finally left the shower I told him that I was torn and I didn't know what to do. Lately Baloo's been working on this exercise with me called, 'talk about your feelings instead of act passive aggressive.' At first I thought it was some more of his hippie talk. But I decided to at least try it out. I let him know that if he doesn't get his act together, I'm gone. I didn't exactly say it like that, but it's pretty much what I meant. I was willing to help. I was willing to help him work out a plan. I was willing to research PA schools for him (oh, cause now he doesn't want to be a tree farmer or whatever and wants to go back to school to become a Physician's Assistant). Anything he wanted me to do, I would do it. And then he said something that shut me up for a while. I asked him if he was willing to work on a plan. He said he was. Well, why, I asked. Because I don't' want to lose you. Now if I had feelings and emotions, it would have floored me. And it did for a second. Until I started second guessing. He could have just wanted me to shut the fuck up. But no, I think he was serious. I think he's as tired as I am of going from one relationship to another and he wants to stick around for a little while. Always the cynic, I told him that I won't be fully satisfied until I see some results. And I will be looking for results. He agreed to work on a plan without my help for a little while. And I 'm going to be supportive by giving him his space.
It's funny. I put so much work into my career. I'm always willing to meet with the right people and hustle to get further. It's not easy by any means, and when I get pushed down, I take that much more effort to get back up and try again. But with a real, stable, non-crazy relationship, I want to bail the second things get a little difficult. And that's what makes me a coward.
Conclusion: Relationships are hard. But I'm willing to work at it.
Labels: baloo, relationship
You're not a coward! You're a real woman for admitting that your having a hard time dealing with feelings. It's ok to feel that way, it's how you deal with it that counts.
I like that you are giving him space to work on his plans. Working hard in your professional life is good and having a little fun with your personal relationship is even better. It balences you out, or some shit like that. It works for me though!
Posted by
Summer |
Fri Dec 15, 11:18:00 AM EST
You are really strong to put yourself out there and say how you feel. Relationships are really hard. Hope things get better!
Posted by
Jen |
Fri Dec 15, 02:22:00 PM EST