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Thursday, December 14, 2006 

Wow. You guys are great. Just fantastic.

Believe it or not, I'm a bit of a coward. I can stand up to an under-qualified teacher, I give people in so called 'power' nasty looks, and I generally think I'm better than the average population. However, when it comes to feelings and emotions and stuff, I'm a real coward.

After my 45 minute trip to the kitchen for a glass of water, I finally returned to bed. After a couple of hours of not sleeping I got up to start getting ready for work. I started thinking again in the shower. What if he said all the things he said to me in the past and never meant any of it. I thought long and hard about it. I would still give him his Christmas presents. One was custom made and couldn't be returned anyhow. I wouldn't accept his gifts. It wouldn't be fair. I'd probably be a wreck when I was in Texas, but better to be home with Daddy Kiki wallowing in my sorrow than home by myself with a couple bottles of wine and a case of beer.

When I finally left the shower I told him that I was torn and I didn't know what to do. Lately Baloo's been working on this exercise with me called, 'talk about your feelings instead of act passive aggressive.' At first I thought it was some more of his hippie talk. But I decided to at least try it out. I let him know that if he doesn't get his act together, I'm gone. I didn't exactly say it like that, but it's pretty much what I meant. I was willing to help. I was willing to help him work out a plan. I was willing to research PA schools for him (oh, cause now he doesn't want to be a tree farmer or whatever and wants to go back to school to become a Physician's Assistant). Anything he wanted me to do, I would do it. And then he said something that shut me up for a while. I asked him if he was willing to work on a plan. He said he was. Well, why, I asked. Because I don't' want to lose you. Now if I had feelings and emotions, it would have floored me. And it did for a second. Until I started second guessing. He could have just wanted me to shut the fuck up. But no, I think he was serious. I think he's as tired as I am of going from one relationship to another and he wants to stick around for a little while. Always the cynic, I told him that I won't be fully satisfied until I see some results. And I will be looking for results. He agreed to work on a plan without my help for a little while. And I 'm going to be supportive by giving him his space.

It's funny. I put so much work into my career. I'm always willing to meet with the right people and hustle to get further. It's not easy by any means, and when I get pushed down, I take that much more effort to get back up and try again. But with a real, stable, non-crazy relationship, I want to bail the second things get a little difficult. And that's what makes me a coward.

Conclusion: Relationships are hard. But I'm willing to work at it.

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You're not a coward! You're a real woman for admitting that your having a hard time dealing with feelings. It's ok to feel that way, it's how you deal with it that counts.

I like that you are giving him space to work on his plans. Working hard in your professional life is good and having a little fun with your personal relationship is even better. It balences you out, or some shit like that. It works for me though!

You are really strong to put yourself out there and say how you feel. Relationships are really hard. Hope things get better!

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  • I'm young, single, got a great ass, a serial dater, a sometimes drunk, addicted to the gym, liable to make fat girls cry, have a mild ED, think Notre Dame is the greatest college and Texas is the greatest state. Currently at a standstill since moving from Detroit Area, Michigan (tons of yuppies) to Mason, MI (noted KKK presence). Come be a part of my random, shocking, and exciting world.
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