I Wouldn't be Crying if I Were Allowed to Drink at Work
I’m sitting at my desk on the verge of tears. It’s the result of PMS, a cup of coffee, and reading about a fashion gala that is taking place in Chicago that I can’t attend. Coffee makes me really jittery and all sorts of things start to run - tears and my bladder included. It also has a little to do with the fact that it’s cold and rainy outside.
Being a girl sucks. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s emotions. I talked to a friend last night who I haven’t talked to in more than a year. She’s a med student in Ill. so I generally give her her space and there are no hard feelings about the fact that we haven’t talked in forever. She’s in her fourth year of medical school and next year she’ll be a resident! I’m so proud of her. I get so excited when my friends accomplish their goals. It makes me proud to know them. We talked about med school but we also talked about men. The girl is 26 and about to become a doctor but all she could talk about was how much she wants to get married and have children. She’s been this way since I met her our freshman year of college. She’s always been a romantic and wanted to have a family. I thought she would grow out of it when she went to med school and realized how much she’s contributing to people’s everyday lives. She’s doing so much more on her own and she doesn’t even have a man. When I talk to her I like to play devil’s advocate. She knows that I love her; I just try to offer her a different perspective. “I knew you were going to say that, Kiki. But I just want to have children and give them my love.”
When I got off the phone with her, I felt that I was being a little hard on her. I respect her position. There’s nothing wrong with desiring a husband and a family. If all women were career women, we wouldn’t have babies and children and new generations. I guess the concept of taking your life and career out of the fast lane for the purpose of raising a family is very odd for me to wrap my mind around. Sure I’d like a steady man who didn’t hum show tunes after getting off (I failed to share that tidbit with you, didn’t I?). But I know that it’s close to impossible where I’m at now in this city and at this point of my life. And it’s not for lack of trying. I put myself out there often enough. It’s just that only the crazy fish are biting. I see men as a disposable accessory. I see them supporting me emotionally and physically, but I never envision them sticking around for the long run. I never have.
So if my brilliant, successful med student friend’s goal is to get married and have babies, who am I to poo poo on her goals? If I emotionally supported her in her quest to be a doctor, why can’t I support her new mission?
So back to me being on the verge of tears. I thought about the Green Tie Ball that’s being held in Chicago this weekend and I also thought about the interesting and successful people who would be attending and who I would have the opportunity to meet. And how if I lived in a better city I could justify spending $250 on a ticket if I were going to be able to rub elbows with interesting and influential people (men). And how even though I have a nice life here in Lansing, Michigan (great job and my own house) there’s always something lacking. I’ve traded a somewhat glamorous life for advancement in career and financial stability. Which, of course is my choice. However, it was not my choice to be a girl and have to go through PMS which brings up all these emotions. Screw this. I’m already sick of having ‘feelings.’ I’m going home to have a drink and play with Fetsby’s emotions.
Being a girl sucks. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s emotions. I talked to a friend last night who I haven’t talked to in more than a year. She’s a med student in Ill. so I generally give her her space and there are no hard feelings about the fact that we haven’t talked in forever. She’s in her fourth year of medical school and next year she’ll be a resident! I’m so proud of her. I get so excited when my friends accomplish their goals. It makes me proud to know them. We talked about med school but we also talked about men. The girl is 26 and about to become a doctor but all she could talk about was how much she wants to get married and have children. She’s been this way since I met her our freshman year of college. She’s always been a romantic and wanted to have a family. I thought she would grow out of it when she went to med school and realized how much she’s contributing to people’s everyday lives. She’s doing so much more on her own and she doesn’t even have a man. When I talk to her I like to play devil’s advocate. She knows that I love her; I just try to offer her a different perspective. “I knew you were going to say that, Kiki. But I just want to have children and give them my love.”
When I got off the phone with her, I felt that I was being a little hard on her. I respect her position. There’s nothing wrong with desiring a husband and a family. If all women were career women, we wouldn’t have babies and children and new generations. I guess the concept of taking your life and career out of the fast lane for the purpose of raising a family is very odd for me to wrap my mind around. Sure I’d like a steady man who didn’t hum show tunes after getting off (I failed to share that tidbit with you, didn’t I?). But I know that it’s close to impossible where I’m at now in this city and at this point of my life. And it’s not for lack of trying. I put myself out there often enough. It’s just that only the crazy fish are biting. I see men as a disposable accessory. I see them supporting me emotionally and physically, but I never envision them sticking around for the long run. I never have.
So if my brilliant, successful med student friend’s goal is to get married and have babies, who am I to poo poo on her goals? If I emotionally supported her in her quest to be a doctor, why can’t I support her new mission?
So back to me being on the verge of tears. I thought about the Green Tie Ball that’s being held in Chicago this weekend and I also thought about the interesting and successful people who would be attending and who I would have the opportunity to meet. And how if I lived in a better city I could justify spending $250 on a ticket if I were going to be able to rub elbows with interesting and influential people (men). And how even though I have a nice life here in Lansing, Michigan (great job and my own house) there’s always something lacking. I’ve traded a somewhat glamorous life for advancement in career and financial stability. Which, of course is my choice. However, it was not my choice to be a girl and have to go through PMS which brings up all these emotions. Screw this. I’m already sick of having ‘feelings.’ I’m going home to have a drink and play with Fetsby’s emotions.
pocketkip sees it like this...
you have your whole life to settle down and be partnered/married/coupled whatever. medical science will have us living until we're 203202002 gazillion years old pretty soon.
so in all reality, there's no harm in messing with the freaks while you've got some freak left in you. that's why those people are on this planet. to be taken advantage of and made fun of. it's nature's way.
and on a serious note, companionship will choose you. you do not choose it. that's just the way it works.
so keep screwing over the freaks and holding out the cooch for more pressies! YAY
Posted by
Pocket Kip |
Tue Sep 12, 03:39:00 PM EDT
Kiki & Kip - that has to be the deepest and most meaningful conversation I've ever witnessed between the two of you. It was almost poetic :-)
It's okay to want more - it's the curse of an overachiever to always want something better for yourself. It's also the curse of being a 20-something - not knowing where your life is headed, and being bothered by it.
I hope it doesn't seem cheesy, but I keep in mind, and take to heart, a great quote from the peom "Desiderata" by Max Ehrmann:
"And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. " :-)
~ Roomie
Posted by
Anonymous |
Tue Sep 12, 08:05:00 PM EDT
Life is long,honey, and getting longer! You can be glamorous until the day you die (at 101, I hope!). You can have a baby at 50. You can never have a baby. Your choices are endless.
You can step off the track and stop the race for awhile and start over in a different place.
It is all out there for you. So, don't worry. When the PMS is over,life will be waiting for you.
Now, me. I used to have a great job and make money.I thought I was Mary Freaking Tyler Moore with my career woman cuteness.
I backtracked for awhile,and now, I am all about tai chi, yoga, peace and quiet. Sometimes, you take a turn in life and you discover something new.
Posted by
Anonymous |
Tue Sep 12, 10:20:00 PM EDT
Ok, a couple things:
1) It's not your fault that your friend looks at what she has already accomplished in her life and sees the things she has not yet achieved. If it's meant to happen for her it'll happen. And you shouldn't feel bad for playing devil's advocate. The world needs devil's advocates to bring us out of our delusion and back into reality. It makes us put forth the effort to make our dreams real.
2) I live in Chicago, and I can't hobnob with the well-to-do interesting folks at the Green Tie Ball. Maybe next year... If you keep that positive energy flowing my way, I'll send you a ticket when it's something I can swing!
3) You're right being a girl does suck. Being at the mercy of your hormones is a total bitch!
4) Showtunes? REALLY?
Posted by
Lizzle |
Tue Sep 12, 10:29:00 PM EDT