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Saturday, July 01, 2006 

He speaks the Language of Jesus, So He Can't Be Bad, Right?

Last night I dreamed that I was having an affair with the Mayor. It was a nonsexual affair, as it seems like I can't get laid in my dreams or in real life. I remember the Mayor and I being in a hotel room and his wife calling and me hiding under the bed. Like I said, it was a nonsexual affair, but I think there was a lot of touching and hugging and making out. The dream was weird on a lot of levels. First, I don't think I've even seen a picture of the Mayor on TV recently. Why would my subconscious want me to have an affair with the Mayor. Second, an affair really isn't my cup of tea. I don't like clandestine relationships. I like to be paraded around and have everyone admire me. I'm too self absorbed for others not to know about me and my relationship. It was weird. And I wanted to share.

Moving along...now I must tell you about my date last night.

Perry emailed me on myspace. I don't put much stock in people who email me on myspace. Plus, his profile was blocked to only those who were his friends. I'm very selective about my myspace friends (altho I'm a facebook hoe....Hey I think I may have passed by you in North Quad Frosh year! Will you be my facebook friend?!) so I didn't add Perry. I saw his picture and he looked decent. He gave me his number and I believe I called him a week ago. He called on Thursday when I was at work. He asked me what's up, what I was doing, how was the weather, etc. I was less than pleased. I told him to get to the point and he hung up the phone on me. Fuck him! I thought. I'm better off without him. But then evil Kiki made an appearance. I thought, why not just fuck with this kid. He's obviously a loose cannon. It could make for a good blog. So I called Perry back and pretended that we must have had a bad connection. He let me know that he hung up on me because I was rude and I convinced him to take me out anyway. He said he would call me.

In the meantime, a girl I met this week called and invited me to a birthday party in Lansing. Knowing that Perry wouldn't call me back, I instead hooked up with my new friend and had a decent time at the birthday party.

Cut to Friday. Perry texts me and asks if I want to get together. He sounds pretty desperate. He starts off asking if I smoke. I deny this. Then he asks if I'm 'rowdy' and I deny this as well. Then I remember that I'm being a jerk and recall that I want to lure him in only to crush him. So I warm up to him a bit. He asks me if he should get a hotel room (he lives in Detroit but is in my area a lot for business) and I told him YES! EWWW! What kind of freak gets a hotel room and he knows NOTHING ABOUT ME! So he tells me to bring a bathing suit and we can go swiming before the pool closes and before we get drinks. Yeah right, buddy.

Not only does he text me at work, but he calls me too. He asks me what I do for a living and I make up a lie. He asks me what building I work in and I make up another lie. Turns out, his family runs a business in the building I say I work in. Shit. I cover remarkably and tell him that the company I work for is new and I'm just doing contract work for them. Hence the reason our company name isn't on the marquee downstairs in the lobby! What makes me such a good liar?

When the time came to meet up, the plan was to tell him I was at a particular bar and then just never show up. But then I thought, I want some free alcohol. So, I hoisted my ass of the couch and went out. Mind you, I was wearing the same outfit I wore to work on Friday which also happened to be the same outfit I wore to the birthday party the night before.

I met Perry at a college bar. He wasn't bad looking. And, he was actually kinda nice. We played a game of pool in a bar that had 3 other patrons in it. Then we gave up on that bar and went to BW3s. I also happened to run into a guy I met at the birthday party last night. I was still wearing the same outfit. Nice. Oh, and speaking of, I made every effort not to look nice for Perry. I didn't put on any makeup and I splashed on some Vickies Body Spray and an obnoxious scent.

I must explain at this point that I had enlisted both Kipper and Roomie to provide me with 'emergency' calls an hour into the date. Roomie was to pretend that she was at another bar and wasted and needed me to come and get her. Kipper was to do sort of the same thing. They both did beautifully while I was at the first bar. I had to let Roomie know that I was having a decent time and to call me back in an hour.

She called me back when we were at BW3s and gave an Oscar worthy performance. She pleaded, I think she cried a little, and she basically told me that she was at a bar in Mason (I still had him convinced that I lived in Mason) and she needed me to come pick her up. Fortunately, Mason is about 25 minutes away, so I had to leave Perry abruptly to take care of my Roomie. I acted like I was annoyed and upset. I told Perry that Roomie constantly pulls this trick. She doesn't go out drinking cause she's in grad school, but the minute she has a break, she overdoes it and I have to bail her out. I think Perry realy bought the performance. He was upset that I had to go just when I was starting to warm up (I was on my 3rd drink). However, before leaving, Perry wanted to quiz me more about where I worked in the building. He asked which door I come into and which elevator I take to get to my 'floor.' Fortunate for me, not only am I an expert liar, but I'm also a pretty accurate one. And, although I don't work in the building I told him I work in, I've visited on numerous occasions because I have a lot of meetings in that building. Oh silly boy, you can't trip up Evil Kiki. She's just too crafty.

Oh, and I forgot to add. The conversation did get a little interesting when he told me about his background. He let me know that he was Chaldean. I've heard that term a lot in Michigan but I wasn't sure what he really meant. I found out that it's like a person of Iraqi descent who's Christian instead of Muslim. He told me that his parents are both from Iraq and he and his brothers and sisters were American born. He also told me that he speaks both Aramaic and Arabic. Which is good to know when I take him on my oil finding expedition. I need a new hobby.

i called mama kiki in a panic cuz my dad had thrown out his hip in a viagra induced assualt against my mommy.

i'm classy like that.

nice work, kikster

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About me

  • I'm young, single, got a great ass, a serial dater, a sometimes drunk, addicted to the gym, liable to make fat girls cry, have a mild ED, think Notre Dame is the greatest college and Texas is the greatest state. Currently at a standstill since moving from Detroit Area, Michigan (tons of yuppies) to Mason, MI (noted KKK presence). Come be a part of my random, shocking, and exciting world.
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