I really shouldn't be left alone to think.
I’m sitting at work waiting to go home. I feel like being alone. I have a nice bottle of red wine waiting for me and a romantic movie and my blankey. I was thinking of rounding out the experience with a box of chocolate, but chocolate has calories and I paid my dues at the gym last night.
So, when I’m alone with my thoughts, it’s a scary thing. This is why I can’t be left alone for extended periods of time. Like today, I’m thinking about my next step to success in my life and career. I’m sure it has something to do with the book I’m reading, Oh The Glory of it All. It’s a true story about a San Francisco Socialite’s son and how fucked up his life and his family’s life is. In a weird way, sometimes I long for that fucked up socialite lifestyle. I happened to google my high school this afternoon and I noticed that Former Secretary of HUD, Alphonso Jackson sat on the board of my alma mater. And I thought, hmm…I want to sit on a board. I want to be a part of a power couple. I want to live in a medium sized town where me and my husband rule everything. Where we don’t have jobs. We have titles. We sit on boards. We host fundraisers. We establish scholarships. Of course, the people who do those things are usually the people who are fucked up like in the book I’m reading. But is that a good enough trade off? Am I willing to sacrifice familial stability for a chance to be recognized and admired? Is family really important? Is it better to have a husband who loves you or a husband who’s a business partner who lusts for the same societal goals that you crave? Would it even be fun to be a power couple?
Today I feel that it would be fun. Being that golden couple who’s beautiful and skinny and throws the best parties. Who gives to all the right causes. Who people from all walks of life feel they can relate to in some way. Whose curriculum vitae is extensive and impressive.
Ok. Fantasy’s over.
So, when I’m alone with my thoughts, it’s a scary thing. This is why I can’t be left alone for extended periods of time. Like today, I’m thinking about my next step to success in my life and career. I’m sure it has something to do with the book I’m reading, Oh The Glory of it All. It’s a true story about a San Francisco Socialite’s son and how fucked up his life and his family’s life is. In a weird way, sometimes I long for that fucked up socialite lifestyle. I happened to google my high school this afternoon and I noticed that Former Secretary of HUD, Alphonso Jackson sat on the board of my alma mater. And I thought, hmm…I want to sit on a board. I want to be a part of a power couple. I want to live in a medium sized town where me and my husband rule everything. Where we don’t have jobs. We have titles. We sit on boards. We host fundraisers. We establish scholarships. Of course, the people who do those things are usually the people who are fucked up like in the book I’m reading. But is that a good enough trade off? Am I willing to sacrifice familial stability for a chance to be recognized and admired? Is family really important? Is it better to have a husband who loves you or a husband who’s a business partner who lusts for the same societal goals that you crave? Would it even be fun to be a power couple?
Today I feel that it would be fun. Being that golden couple who’s beautiful and skinny and throws the best parties. Who gives to all the right causes. Who people from all walks of life feel they can relate to in some way. Whose curriculum vitae is extensive and impressive.
Ok. Fantasy’s over.
