Sista sLedge.r

My boyfriend thinks I’m incapable of love. Well, not so much incapable of love, just incapable of loving another breathing human being. I had a long day. I’m finally getting more responsibilities at work and I’m loving it. This usually means that I’m dead tired and frazzled at the end of the day. Throw in a final exam today that I haven’t properly prepared for (because of more work duties) and PMS, and you’ve got a totally worked up Kiki. We were lying on the couch watching the news when a story about President Reagan’s diaries was on. He talked about how much he loved Nancy. I made the offhand comment that I couldn’t phantom being the most powerful leader in the free world and still getting gushy about my spouse. Maybe I shouldn’t have opened my mouth.

Because the next thing I knew we were having a ‘discussion.’ Baloo seems to believe that I will forever be a workaholic who never takes time for the enjoyment of life. I tried to explain to him that right now I’m at the bottom of the food chain at work. I can’t just take off a week and go wherever like my bosses do. I have to pay my dues. Plus, I feel a lot of pressure to perform to provide the extravagant things that Baloo wants (not now, of course. He pays for his own shit now). He’s the one who’s taken 2 vacations and bought the most expensive iPod on the market while I’m the one who paid to get dead tree branches removed so they won’t fall on my neighbor’s house and I won’t get sued. I’ve made choices in my life that don’t allow me to have fun right now. I have a mortgage. And yes, I’d rather be able to pay that on time every month rather than take an extended vacation to who knows where. A vacation is temporary. A mortgage is building equity.

I was adamant about my decision last night. I may not be lovey dovey like he is. But I have a greater plan. I have goals. And it takes sacrifice and discipline to get to those goals. I’ve never loved another person because I don’t believe love is reliable. Setting goals, meeting goals, and achieving is always reliable. Because I know that if I happen to not reach a goal, there’s only one person who can be blamed, and that’s me.

But then I got a text this morning. Baloo wished me a great day and good luck on my test tonight. Maybe that’s what love is. Knowing that you’re not seeing eye to eye, but still taking the time to let the other person know that you care. I know I’m too hard on myself and I know that I put a lot of emphasis on success and social status. But I guess I could relax a little. It’s just that I’m realistic. I know that in order to have nice things in life, you have to work for them unless they’ve been given to you. And since Baloo is living on a free ride, he doesn’t understand that.

Ugh. I feel like I’m complaining. But I am and I can cause it’s my blog. I’m just planning on trying harder to make things work. I’ve got a lot on my plate right now and I’m probably stressing out. We’re going to Cadillac, Michigan (don’t ask) this weekend so hopefully we’ll have some good, quality alone time together to enjoy each other.

Labels: baloo, relationship