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Monday, August 14, 2006 

We Go Through This Every Year

My God I hate him. There’s only really one time a year I think about him and it’s on his birthday. This weekend I glanced at my palm pilot. “Smitty’s Birthday….Snooze or Delete?” it asked me. I deleted. I was going to break the cycle. Every year I send him an email for his birthday. This turns into us emailing back and forth for a couple of days before we both just disappear into the abyss…not to talk again until my school plays his school in football…and then not again until his birthday. We have an understanding. A routine.

This year I said I wasn’t going to email him on his birthday. And I didn’t. Saturday came and went and he didn’t hear a word from me. So he emailed me this morning. It was really innocent. Just saying hello. I could tell he missed our routine. How we insult each other and make snide sexual comments only to never do anything about it. I emailed him back. I was a bit rude. I asked him if he was 40 yet (he is getting there) and that although my taste in men has (fortunately) changed, my taste in liquor hasn’t and I would always be glad to meet him for a drink. I also mentioned the party that I’m throwing when my school plays (and beats) his school this season. I know he won’t come.

So what’s the story behind Smitty? Why is he the only boy that I think about even though we broke up four years ago and I haven’t seen him in that long of time either? It’s because Smitty was my ideal man. He was uber successful, a world traveler, an Executive at a Fortune 500 company, arrogant, a real son-of-a-bitch, both feared and hated by his employees, and larger than life. He was everything I wanted to be as a woman in the package of a man. And why did we break up (well actually, he broke up with me…three days before Valentine’s day)? We broke up because Smitty was a jerk. He never spent the night, I never visited his house. He didn’t call me on my birthday. We didn’t spend New Years together. I talked to Smitty on the phone for 3 hours earlier this year. He told me about a girl he recently broke up with. Why? Because she brought up marriage in a conversation. Also, because she had reached her 3 month expiration date. Smitty doesn’t date girls for longer than 3 months. I found that out the hard way. In all honesty, Smitty should think about settling down soon. There’s something to be said about men over 30 who have never been married. He’s very rapidly approaching a status that single women stay away from. What woman wants to marry a man nearing 40 who’s never been married before?

But despite it all, I have every email that Smitty has ever sent me. The very first one telling me he had a good time on our date and that I will go out with him again to the last one that he sent today. I don’t compare the men I date (or sleep with) to Smitty. I’m not that girl. He's the only man who makes me feel something when I think about him. It's usually longing followed by rage. Pin Dick, The Cop, The Serbina, none of those boys evoke feelings from me when I think about him. When I think about Smitty, I can't think about anything else, and what I feel isn't joy, but anger that he's on my mind. But no matter how angry I am, when I do think about him, I also think about what could have been. How happy we’d be on our million dollar estate, no children, raking in our wealth, taking expensive vacations and ruining lives on a daily basis. But then I remember how over worked, undersexed and selfish he was (2 only children shouldn’t belong together) and I focus on how happy I am without him and without all that drama. Or so I tell myself.

GiVe uP on HiM!!!

Be strong...do not send the loser a happy birtday unless you are completely, completely okay with just being friends.

if it makes you feel any better, i met smitty and i can't recall what he looks like. i may have been drunk, but he still didn't make an impression on me.

so that means he's not attractive and not worth our time. i remember important people.

and it's true. we are gonna kick their asses this year!!!

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  • I'm young, single, got a great ass, a serial dater, a sometimes drunk, addicted to the gym, liable to make fat girls cry, have a mild ED, think Notre Dame is the greatest college and Texas is the greatest state. Currently at a standstill since moving from Detroit Area, Michigan (tons of yuppies) to Mason, MI (noted KKK presence). Come be a part of my random, shocking, and exciting world.
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