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Thursday, August 04, 2005 

Happy Birthday, Kipper

So today is my dear Kipper’s birthday (and also Tiffy’s birthday) and I have been asked to write a piece about Kipper. It will be in list form as I am a stream of consciousness person.

-“Why do I smell Bar-b-Q? Who’s cooking in my house?” Indeed no one was cooking. Someone set themselves on fire at my first apartment. Which in turn ruined Kipper’s chances to hook up with him.

-Running around my apartment building in our underwear while it was raining. For no particular reason

-The hole

-Soft Core porn video made in my dorm room

-Anyone who’s favorite movie is Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure…

-Game night. That only took place once. Because between the two of us, we don’t have enough friends to play a board game

-Cleveland and the Mariah Carey concert for your birthday 2003 and we went to the bar after the concert and people we actually asleep at the bar

-Repeatedly hitting Toothy with your class ring. By the way, where is that class ring?

-Memorial Day 2003 and doing slave labor for Sissy after being drunk the night before in Chicago…where I had my toes sucked

-My birthday 2003 where you hooked up in my bed with someone during my party. And I had no one to hook up with

-The creation of Cot and Blanket Man, Pity Party Man, and Chips and Salsa Man

-My last home game, Rutgers 2002 and eating the marshmallows I was supposed to throw during ½ time.

-ND v. MSU at MSU 2002. The death of The Green Beast, The Drive in The Alumni Van, Kates and Kristen being molested by scary older men, being together for a full two days and not killing each other


-The first time I met you in LaFun with Catalina when I was on that bad date

-Any random afternoon at The Palace taking pills with wine/beer/tiny shots of flavored Vodka

-Lunch break from the Alumni office and KPD to watch Conan at The Palace

-My first W&G episode with you at Turtle Creek…”You really screwed me, Will Truman.” You slept on the couch and I slept in your bed.

-making fun of Desi by email at KPD

-video at Boat Club, the ‘Backer, and later Truman’s where you revealed my deepest secrets to the entire parking lot of The ‘Backer…on videotape

-That awesome pic of the Toothy, Kipper, ‘Rika sandwich

-That time at Truman’s with the man with the Puppet

-Rum Runners and $0.75 well drinks on Wednesdays…Loverboy you’ve got the best of me

-Our longest most serious hour discussion about the female reproductive cycle

-Screaming Whitney songs at the top of our lungs at The Palace

-Watching the ‘Crack is Whack’ footage over and over and over and over

-That time at Truman’s when you wore Kates’ bra

-That time I was drunk in your bed and you left to sleep on the couch cause you were afraid I’d wake up and talk to you

-The Flip Side Meijer Game where we showed up drunk, decided the Flip Side event was lame and then begged random ND shoppers to take us back to campus. Luckily Marriage Material came to our rescue.

-When you bought Everclear for me at the liquor store for my 21st birthday and the clerk was afraid I was gonna get raped

-The night at Roscoe’s where we picked up the Sailors and ended up at a lesbian bar

-Our patented club that has beds and only plays diva music...Celine, Whit, Mariah, Kylie

-Shut up and take it…how many Long Islands did you have that night at Friday’s?

-Why were we at Roscoe’s that afternoon where we met Cory Kelly and I stole some cups?

-going to that dealership and telling the salesman we were engaged and we weren’t going to buy a car until your trust fund opened up
-Halloween 2003 in Detroit and the Sperm Donor costume. complete with business cards

-Me having to drive to Stars for fear someone would recognize your vehicle. And then being too chicken to go inside.

-Stealing keys at The Library and house sitting for Daddy Chuck and walking Irish

-That time in Detroit where we met the girl at the restaurant in Birmingham who fell over and toppled her entire party’s table in the middle of the afternoon. And how we thought they were a riot and we followed them back to their place where they smoked weed and we entertained with the ENTIRE Rent libretto.

-New Years 2003 with Brenda and ending up at the lesbian bar (or the night that didn’t happen)

-When we went to Hooters in the afternoon on a weekday and it was packed!

-mini quiche

-interspecies beach….I come from the SSSSEEEEEAAAA

-when keeping it real goes wrong

Kipper, through it all I’ve held you hand, you’ve cried on my shoulder. We’ve shared our thoughts and fears. We have an everlasting bond that will never break.


Whatever. We share practically nothing until after the fact. Since we don’t possess emotions, neither one of us has cried since the War of 1812, and we’d sell each other down the river for a shiny object (double time if the shiny object also shows our reflection). Honey you’re driving the bus to hell and I’m proud to be a passenger. Happy Birthday, Poodle. You’re simple, you’re shallow, and you’re a common whore. That’s why we’re soul mates.

this daddy kipper sounds both attractive and fun and i love him!

Sounds like quite an inspiring guy. I should hire him as my personal consultant.

how spectacular. i dont have THAT many stories with any one person :\

you know what? you should be in dallas when halloween rolls around. then we can go to that attorney's birthday/halloween party with the open bar dressed as the pussycat dolls.

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  • I'm young, single, got a great ass, a serial dater, a sometimes drunk, addicted to the gym, liable to make fat girls cry, have a mild ED, think Notre Dame is the greatest college and Texas is the greatest state. Currently at a standstill since moving from Detroit Area, Michigan (tons of yuppies) to Mason, MI (noted KKK presence). Come be a part of my random, shocking, and exciting world.
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