Progression of Emotions
Baloo comes back tomorrow. I can't say that I'm looking forward to his return. I've talked to two of my best friends tonight. One told me to be open to his apology. The other told me not to make rash decisions when I'm angry. I actually can't believe that I'm still angry. I'm usually the type of person who will give you the silent treatment, and then get over it by the next day. But it's been over a week and I'm still angry. I've done a lot of things to take my mind on it. Mainly write one of my papers. Or do research for one of my papers. I'm so lost. I have no idea what I really need to write about and it needs to be 20 single spaced pages. Yeah. I'm not looking forward to that! Good thing it's not due for a couple of weeks.
I cleaned his truck yesterday. Why? I'm not sure why I did it. I planned on doing it for him while he was away to surprise him. Before he had his whole family pressuring me to drive to Chicago. I did a good job of cleaning it. I threw out all the trash, vacuumed the carpeting, cleaned the dash, Windexed the windows and took all his recycling to the city dump. I even took his bottles to the bottle deposit and put his money in a place where he could find it. I don't know why I was so nice. Maybe I think that by doing nice, he can see what it's like and will be more likely to be nicer to me. Who knows.
I don't know what I'm going to say to him tomorrow. Tonight I'm feeling that I can do better by myself. I feel like I constantly have to teach him how to act like a proper human. I have too many other things on my plate to raise a grown man. I have no idea what he wants to do with his life. I don't know what his potential 5 year plan is. It makes me crazy. Roomie told me to make a list of pros and cons. I wish I could. But right now, all I can think of are cons. I really want to call Daddy Kiki and talk about this. But I can't. Because when Daddy Kiki finds out that the man who supposedly loves me didn't invite me to Thanksgiving Dinner, Daddy Kiki will flip his shit and tell me to dump him immediately. Maybe I don't want to tell Daddy Kiki because I know what he'll tell me would be right. I really need to talk to an adult right now to help me figure this all out. There are so many things that I don't know about all of this.
All I know is I'm not looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. In fact, I plan on hiding out at the office writing and doing research so I won't have to look out my window and see when his parents pull up to drop him off.
I cleaned his truck yesterday. Why? I'm not sure why I did it. I planned on doing it for him while he was away to surprise him. Before he had his whole family pressuring me to drive to Chicago. I did a good job of cleaning it. I threw out all the trash, vacuumed the carpeting, cleaned the dash, Windexed the windows and took all his recycling to the city dump. I even took his bottles to the bottle deposit and put his money in a place where he could find it. I don't know why I was so nice. Maybe I think that by doing nice, he can see what it's like and will be more likely to be nicer to me. Who knows.
I don't know what I'm going to say to him tomorrow. Tonight I'm feeling that I can do better by myself. I feel like I constantly have to teach him how to act like a proper human. I have too many other things on my plate to raise a grown man. I have no idea what he wants to do with his life. I don't know what his potential 5 year plan is. It makes me crazy. Roomie told me to make a list of pros and cons. I wish I could. But right now, all I can think of are cons. I really want to call Daddy Kiki and talk about this. But I can't. Because when Daddy Kiki finds out that the man who supposedly loves me didn't invite me to Thanksgiving Dinner, Daddy Kiki will flip his shit and tell me to dump him immediately. Maybe I don't want to tell Daddy Kiki because I know what he'll tell me would be right. I really need to talk to an adult right now to help me figure this all out. There are so many things that I don't know about all of this.
All I know is I'm not looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. In fact, I plan on hiding out at the office writing and doing research so I won't have to look out my window and see when his parents pull up to drop him off.
